TDS | 2013.11.12 Chicago’s deep dish pizza
Stewart you are dead to me until you take all of this back.
CHICAGO PIZZA OR NOTHING
Get serious! He is so right. I have had pretty good Chicago pizza, but it did not really even remind me of pizza.
Oh I am perfectly serious. I am rarely so serious as when talking about the perfect triangle of cheesy goodness that is Chicago pizza.
Though, if y’all really do prefer a tiny little 1/4th-inch thick mediocre-crust New York pizza to the doughy flaky melty voluminous Chicago pizza I guess that’s probably better anyway—more for the rest of us XD
Look, I’ve stayed quiet during these proud Midwestern rants. I understand it’s upsetting to see your pizza referred to as a “sauce whore” when it’s at least a “gravy mistress,” for I too am a proud Midwesterner with a weakness for the deliciousness that is a chicago pie.
But it is a pie. It is a pizza cake. It is what happens when the Midwest sees something New York has done that’s understated and classy, and thinks: “you know what this needs? a lot more sh*t on top of it.”
Defend chicago pizza to the bitter end. I’ll join you. But don’t you dare pour that bitterness over the perfect hand-tossed, city water-influenced crust, excellently seasoned sauce, impeccable cheese layering and extremely maginificent foldability of the New York slice.
Son, just don’t.
Look, all I’m saying is that if Jon Stewart’s gonna compare our best food to having sex with a sandpaper corpse, I’m allowed to fire a few shots back :P
(Though I will concede that it’s kind of silly to compare the two)
JON HOW DARE YOU.
New York pizza is delicious, ok. It is like biting into a greasy, hot piece of glory.
But there is no pizza under god or the spaghetti monster or anything that is as fucking immaculately perfect as Chicago deep dish pizza. The sauce is free to wave its saucy banner atop the cheese that loves and supports it, and the beautiful crust is the bedrock of this ot3 of utter bliss. Also how dare you call the sauce a whore, she’s saucy, she can’t help it!
CHICAGO PIZZA OR NO PIZZA.
The captions I’ve been seeing reblogged with this gif set are the most heated I’ve seen.
Let me start off by saying this is a well-crafted broadside, Jon.
But you missed.
What one ingredient forms the essence, the very center of a pizza?
What is the one thing whose quality, more than anything else on the pie, makes or breaks it?
What did Domino’s double in their recipes to spike their sales across the country?
What is the sole ingredient that, when you’re making your own pizza, you can’t choke it to death with?
What do you hope, when you nab a slice of New York origami bullshit pie, will peel from the other pieces all stringy and beautiful?
So when Chicago in its infinite wisdom constructs a shrine dedicated to cheese, when our fair city delivers unto us eighteen hundred and eighty four cubic inches of thick and glorious mozz in a single pie, what do you do, Jon Stewart?
You mock the sauce? You disparage the crust?
Sauce is lubricant. It keeps the mouth coated to ensure the ability to keep swallowing that cheesy greatness.
Deep dish crust is constructed specifically to handle a slab of gooey cheese running half a foot deep. You think it’s a joke, trying to deliver that singular element of pizza in so great a quantity? You think the city that lifted itself 10 feet off the ground like it wasn’t no thing, the city that saw the way Nature had slowly and irresistibly channeled a great river up into Lake Michigan and shrugged and said “nope, fuck you, we’re going this way,” you think this titan of industry and engineering would bring some weak crust game for the pizza-related issue of our time?
Pizza cheese, Mr. Stewart, is serious goddamn business.
And no one, I repeat no one, knows how to bring the cheese like the Second City.